There once was a Drover named Dennis

Who to Dutch tour reps was a sexual menace

To lay a new hen

He’ll tour with Drovers again

Or fuck off and go and play tennis

There once was a Drover named Wales

Whose running reminds me of snails

So I’ll give him a hint

When we race our sprint

He’ll need two seconds headstart or he fails

There once was a Drover named Shorty

Who can be a little bit naughty

To the depths he will dredge

To find a good sledge

To get the cunts all out for forty

There once was a Drover named Hill

Who wears orange macs for a thrill

He was held round the hips

By a couple of Nips

And wants to go cuddle them still

There once was a Drover named Kimbo

Who’s so tall he is rubbish at limbo

The only new time

I can find a good rhyme

Is to end this verse with the word bimbo

There once was a Drover named Curry

Who opens innings with a flurry

He can play in his sleep

But the tumbling sweep

Will send him back to the hutch in a hurry

There once was a Drover named Teddy

Who bowls leg spin just like Bishan Bedi

So a few times a week

He’ll get one to tweak

And hope the boundary fielders are ready

There once was a Drover named Palmer

Whose demeanour could scarcely be calmer

He’ll go down on one peg

To hoik it to leg

And make himself bat like a farmer

There once was a Drover named Charlie

Whose actions are weird just like Dali

It’s clear that he’s poor

With cricketing law

And umpires like spaced out Bob Marley

There once was a Drover named Brierly

Who today could come here nearly

So as he’s not here

We’ll call him a queer

And hope he gets some more drinks in dearly

There once was a Drover named Tris

With a tendancy to swing and miss

To the girls he makes passes

In his Top Gin sunglasses

And hopes for more than a kiss

There once was a Drover named G

Who’s trained to become a PC

He fancied a tipple

Of that bloke’s girlfriend’s nipple

And embarrassed that twat gleefully

There once was a Drover named Spence

Whose sideburns are notably dense

He waged Holy War

On a hospital floor

To give Droving a massive presence

There once was a Drover named Wes

Whose directing is like Spielberg S

He’ll prey on his friends

Through a sly long range lens

And wank to the footage that’s best

There once was a Drover named Woods

Who with comedy produces the goods

He belongs in a cage

Cos of his quite awesome rage

But his bowling puts me in bad moods

There once was a Drover named Paddy

Who in A’Dam made friends with a laddie

His concentration now homes

On exploiting Mike Jones

And that’s why to kids he’s a baddie

There once was a Drover named Hern J

Whose brother’s exceptionally gay

It’s a little bit poor

We ain’t seen him since tour

And hope that he’ll enter the fray

There once was a Drover named Kirt

Who’s spent years watching Thai grot and dirt

But my central thesis

He looks just like Jesus

And will fuck any thing in a skirt

There once was a Drover named Ted

With a penchant for getting naked

He’ll say “shake the bottle

None’ll come then a lottle”

And use Haycock’s pavilion for bed

There once was a Drover named Neville

Whose suit smelt like the arse of the Devil

His banter-enhancing

And a bit of pole dancing

Took Droving to the highest level

There once was a Drover named Short

Who in Amsterdam had to report

He ain’t no fucking tourist

Disco shit’s for the purist

And that’s what he wanted to snort

There once was a Drover named Denis

Who pumped a Dutch girl with his penis

We watched as he came

So it’s really a shame

That we couldn’t then share her between us